Holding on For Life
by winnie-ing
Summary: Teresa Lisbon had fallen in love. They both knew it. Smut. One-shot.


**holding on for life:**

based on the new Broken Bells single by the same name. the song is phenomenal and highly recommended.

I promise I'll update bloodlust when I decide that TM isn't angsty enough on its own and needs my story to fuel all of the sad… That story is _hard _to write and I apologize.

In the meantime, enjoy this (still) angsty and slightly smutty one shot.

**xxxxxx**

_Lightin' up a cigarette,_

_Burning in the cold_

_Waiting in the street for your man_

_You trying not to look so young & miserable_

_You gotta get your kicks while you can_

_In the lighter corner,_

_Sitting on your own_

_What a lovely day to be lonely_

**xxxxxx**

Teresa Lisbon has fallen in love.

They both know it.

Her heart crumbles along with her composure as she watches him head off into the sunset without a second glance, running towards Red John in a way that he'd never do with such gusto that would lead him towards her.

Because she knows that he knows her feelings towards him.

Why else would he use her emotions to manipulate her? And she knows that he's trying to vanquish her feelings for him. Why else would he stomp on her heart and make her cry?

(_she doesn't know that he too is crying as he drives away_.)

She hates the power he has over her.

Hates it with every part of her body.

Except her heart.

(_which never fails to beat faithfully for him_)

**xxxxxx**

She runs into that burning building without back-up or her gun.

She doesn't give two shits that at this moment, Red John is most likely fleeing into the night.

All she cares is that the man that she loves is in that building. And his life is in danger.

(_what's new, really?_)

After many moments of searching through the smoke and ash, she finds him.

He's running into the night, shotgun in hand.

Cursing to whatever stars in the night sky will hear him.

Running for miles along the shore.

She calls to him, and he doesn't hear her.

Doesn't hear her until he sinks to the ground, sobbing, and she tenderly wraps her arms around him, despite the hell he has put her through today.

She hears him sputter out a few words

_(three, almost, dead)_

but she doesn't comprehend a single sentence.

She's just glad that fate hasn't taken his life yet.

**xxxxxx**

Malibu PD and the local fire department and ambulence are on the scene by the time Lisbon manages to pull Jane back towards his house. He's angry, sad, and frustrated, but at least he's coherent now.

She still wants to take him home though.

(_to his attic at the CBI, not her bed, like she's dreamed so many times_)

The cops at the scene ask Jane and her a few questions before letting them both leave in his Citroen.

(_She makes sure that Malibu PD will track down the man whose car she stole and will give him his phone and her deepest apologies)_

She doesn't let him drive, doesn't trust him to not leave her behind again.

He falls asleep about forty-five minutes into the drive, dreaming about what Lisbon presumes to be the death and downfall of Red John and his disciples.

(_of course, dreams of herself are mixed in there too, but she doesn't know that)_

The seven hour drive is tense and silent.

But she is unbelievably thankful that he is sitting beside her

**xxxxxx**

She pulls up to her house at around five in the morning.

Part of her wanted to leave him on the side of the road thirty miles ago like he had done to her, but no matter what he had put her through, she couldn't hurt Jane, no matter how much she wanted to. She was too far gone for that.

She taps Jane's shoulder gently to rouse him from his sleep and his eyes pop open immediately, as if he had been wide awake the entire time.

"I'm going inside. You're welcome to take the couch if you want. Or else, drive safely"

(_she doesn't want to know where he'll drive to if he chooses the second option._)

To her surprise, he gets out of the car when she does and follows her silently into her apartment.

She takes a pillow off her bed and grabs a spare throw out of her closet and hands it to him before retreating to her room to change and sleep off the hell of the past day.

She lies in bed, thinking of him. She thinks over that one moment in the sunset, where her heart had soared and then crashed and burned when he had left her. She thinks over seeing him in tears on the beach after his house had blown up, when he realized that, yet again, Red John had escaped his grasp. She thinks about the past ten years with him, how she had fallen for him slowly, and then seemingly all at once. She thinks of all his antics, once and sometimes still infuriating, that have become kind-of lovable over time.

She wonders how the hell she could have fallen in love with that man.

She wonders how the hell she could _not_ have fallen in love with that man.

She tosses and turns for close to half an hour while trying to get Jane out of her head for a moment of rest. When proven useless, she gets up and pads silently to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of scotch to quiet her mind.

She's about halfway through sipping her glass when he flips on the kitchen light, startling her slightly.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She mumbles out quietly, taking a deeper sip of her scotch.

"You didn't. I was awake." So she wasn't alone.

She nods and goes back to sipping.

"I'm sorry, Teresa." Her eyes meet his. "I was trying to protect you."

She's tired, and she's angry, and the scotch has loosened her tongue.

"By ripping out my heart, Jane?" She slams the scotch down the best she can at two in the morning. "Was that really necessary?"

"I'd rather you be heartbroken than _dead, _Lisbon."

"So you agree that you purposely crapped all over my feelings for you?" she snarls "That you knowingly decided to play with my heart to get what you wanted? To get Red John?"

"I knew that something bad would happen, Teresa. I know Red John too well to assume we were all making it out of that house alive. I needed you to give up on going with me. I needed you to go back to the CBI and stay _safe_."

"So you lied to my face about meaning something to you and then left me on the side of the road for my own good? Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's the truth! And everything I had said was the truth and you know it."

"How could I possibly know that, Jane? One second, you're claiming that I have 'no idea' what I mean to you, and then the next stranding me in the middle of nowhere without my phone. I don't know what to think with you anymore."

"I meant every word, Teresa. You have to know that."

"But I _don't _know that, Jane, and that's the thing! You tell me that you trust me, you need me, you _love _me and then you keep secrets and strand me on the side of the road and break my heart." She's gotten up from her chair now, and is standing toe to toe with him, glaring.

"All I've ever wanted from you, Jane, was for you to let me in. You don't have to love me back. I can understand why you don't, but I want to know that you trust me. That you know that you can ask for my help with _anything _and I will be right there at your side, trying not to get us both killed and jailed. I just want you to know that I-"

And his lips were on hers, muffling her next words.

She doesn't respond for a long second, doesn't quite understand that this isn't some fucked-up dream she's having and _Jane _is actually kissing her right here and right now.

She doesn't respond for so long that Jane is pulling away from her

(_like he always fucking does_)

before she has a chance to kiss him back.

"Do you still believe that I meant nothing of what I've said?"

"I don't know, Jane. You could just be using me like you did Lorelei, kissing me around until you get what you want from me."

Something dark flashes in his eyes. She thinks she's seen all of the ways his eyes flash before, but this one is new.

"You are not Lorelei."

And then he's on her mouth again.

She's drunk and he smells so _fucking good _that this time she just sort of melts into the kiss and lets him do what he wants. She feels his tongue wet her lips and she lets him in like she always does and lets him play with her tongue like she lets him play with her heart – submissively.

She might be the one with the gun and the badge, but Patrick Jane will always be the one in control of their relationship.

No matter what she would say out loud, she kind of likes it that way.

She lets him pick her up and place her on the kitchen table

(_she even wraps her legs around his waist)_

as he moves his mouth away from hers and places tender kisses down her jaw and towards her ear, which he nips softly as before whispering:

"You have no idea what you mean to me, Teresa. You have no idea at all."

She clutches at his hair as he sucks on the sweet spot behind her ear. She doesn't even have it in her to feel embarrassed at the tiny moan of pure pleasure that escapes her mouth. He's back to whispering in her ear a few short seconds later.

"She meant nothing to me in comparison to what you mean to me. She was an information source. You are my everything."

It's Lisbon who rejoins their mouths for a searing kiss.

Jane picks her up by her ass and starts walking them towards the general direction of her bed room. Lisbon's legs tighten around his waist and her arms tighten their grip on his hair and shoulders as the stumble across her apartment, mouths refusing to break loose.

Lisbon's back hits the wall twice before they make it to her bed in a mass of limbs and passion.

"I hope to God you're not lying to me. I hope you're not just using me. I don't think I could take it if you were." She pants as he starts kissing her neck and collarbone while given them both a chance to breathe. He kisses his way up her neck slowly.

"How do I prove myself to you? How do I make you believe in me?" His voice is strained, a strange sound to come out of a usually so confident man. He buries his face in her neck.

"I'm sorry, Lisbon. I never meant to make you doubt me. I've only ever wanted to avenge my family and keep you safe. I don't want to lose you too. I can't lose you. You're all I have left in this world. I'm_ sorry_, Lis-"

"Make love to me." She cuts him off and stares him in the eye. Daring him to leave her hanging.

_(Again_.)

He stares intently back at her, his face softened.

"Okay."

He touches their foreheads for a moment, before pulling away from her to kiss the worry lines there. He places a soft kiss on the tip of her button nose, and one kiss on each flushed cheek, before slowly claiming her mouth again.

It's almost frustrating how slow he kisses her, learning every dip and crevice of her mouth.

His hand moves up and down her side gently, tracing the curve of her body, as learns her taste and swallows her sighs. She closes her eyes and lets him have her, just like she always will.

His hand drifts a couple inches under her tank top before he pulls away from her lifts her tank top from her body slowly, watching the fabric expose more of her as it rolls up over her head slowly.

He doesn't remember that the last time he has seen anything as beautiful as she is, and he tells her just that before kissing his way down to her chest.

Her hands lazily find their way into his hair as his mouth traces across the tops of her breasts before tracing a circle around her nipple. He watches in awe of how responsive her body is to his gentle mouth.

Her back arches gently off of the bed as he takes her nipple into his mouth and sucks gently at it.

They moan together, and for the first time in the ten or so years they have known each other, they're in perfect unison.

Jane's hands push down her pajama pants as he lavishes her breasts with kisses and gentle nips, and Lisbon kicks the garment off of her feet.

Releasing her nipple with a quiet _pop, _Jane kisses his way down the valley of her breasts and over her taut stomach, replacing his mouth with his hands on her breasts. He leaves a kiss down every inch of the line that graces the middle of her toned stomach and dips his tongue in her belly button, making her moan in a high-pitched way that he never knew his Saint Teresa could.

He kissed his way down her body even further, before coming in contact with the elastic band of her black cotton panties.

He inhales, taking in the scent of her body's reaction to his loving. He moans gently before sealing his mouth to the damp fabric at the apex of her thighs.

A loud moan rips from her throat as her hips push up against his face, begging him for more, begging him to give her whatever he's got.

He leaves several wet, open mouthed kisses against her before slowly peeling the damp fabric from her body, watching carefully as goose bumps break out across her smooth, pale skin. He runs his hands over her thighs and lifts up her hips with his large hands.

"I love you, Lisbon. More than you'll ever know."

And then his mouth was once again on the place she craved him most, his tongue tracing through her arousal to find her clit. She let out a moan when her back arched up in pleasure from his tongue's tight, quick circles around the nub.

"_Oh! _Please don't stop. _Please!_" Her hands now clutched at the sheets beside her, holding on for dear life.

His tongue briefly prodded her entrance before licking back up to the top of her sex. She cried out her pleasure to the ceiling as he continued his gentle assault on her body.

Her orgasm came softly, starting when he nipped at the little bud that had swollen to half of its size. Jane watched in fascination from between her legs as her body tensed and then released slowly, arching and panting and sighing in pure bliss.

He kissed way back up her body before connecting his wet mouth with woman who was still moaning from her pleasure.

She could taste herself on his tongue, and she almost thought she would come again.

Detaching their mouths once more, he whispered "Do you believe me now?"

She nodded, mind clouded with lust, and moved to make work of his white undershirt. She hadn't noticed before that he had taken off his three-piece suit and was in his undershirt and dress slacks. She pulled the shirt off of him quickly and pushed his pants and boxers down as far as she could with her small feet, feeling his erection against her sex as she pushed up against his body. She went to kiss him, but he pulled away to finish taking off his clothes.

"Do you have a condom?" He asked while pulling the socks off his feet. She reached for him immediately.

"Pill." she replied as she pulled him into a searing kiss and pulled them back on the mattress, pulling a sheet over them as she went.

She settled herself onto her pillows and then suddenly, he was _there_ and she couldn't breathe for all of the anticipation flooding her mind and body. He pushed in slowly, taking both of her hands in his and placing their interlinked fingers on each side of her head.

He took his time with her, moving slowly in and out of her body as she moaned softly into his ear. He whispered all of the love and affection he could think of in those moments. He thanked her for her loyalty, for her patience, for her love, and everything else she had done for him that she had thought he was not grateful for.

She whimpered back to him that it was alright, that she loved him more than even _he _could ever know, and that she _never wanted him to stop._

When the urge to speed up and her cold feel digging into his back became too much to handle, he pushed a little farther into her and increased his thrusts, watching with satisfaction as his love cries out and pushes her head back into the mattress.

He whispers that he loves her and sucks roughly at her sweet spot and then he can feel her contract almost violently around his member.

He's never felt anything quite so perfect.

A few more gently thrust to ease her orgasm and he comes to, filling her and watching as her eyes roll to the back of her head in pleasure.

They collapse together in a sweaty mess of skin and limbs before Jane rolls off of her and pulls her tight to his chest. She clings to him for all she's worth, holding on for life, and basking in the satisfying bliss post-orgasm.

Neither says a word as they drift off to a dreamless sleep.

There will be time for talking later.

She just hopes that he'll still be there when she wakes.

**xxxxxx**

_Girl, take a seat_

_Rest your little bones_

_The secret's safe in my hands_

_Tell me 'bout the years_

_And let me buy an hour_

_Maybe help me to understand_

_You're holding on for life_

**xxxxxx**

A/N- Well there you go, please feel free to tell me what you thought of this one-shot, I'm kind of nervous for my debut of writing smut. I hope it was okay…

-Winnie


End file.
